Demon Union Meeting

            “Ok…ok…let’s get this underway so that we can get back to what we do best.” Gemory said into the microphone, which was held by a skeleton hand attached to a podium made of human bones. “Ok, now I know some of you have been having a few issues with the new meeting schedule, but as you know, our Union is poised to lead all other Hell’s Unions in the categories of Possessions and General Calamity. We may even get at least 2nd in Pestilence or Disease. Now, I know that you guys have been working hard, but just finish out this quarter and we’ll all be rewarded.”

“Ice cream?” Seere said.

“Yes, ice cream. Moving on there will be a tutorial for those of you who need it, I’m talking to you Dennis, to improve your possessions, their duration, random weird shit and how to make a kid spin their head around without actually snapping the neck. Dennis…after killing 15 girls like this, I would have thought that you understood this by now.”

“Why can’t you call me by my evil, Christian theology, demon name?” Dennis said. He stood, dressed in a Roman toga, with olive…and a fool’s hat.

“You earn an evil demon name, Dennis, it’s not just given to you. Frank’s not worried, are you Frank.” The one called Frank nodded quietly, and resumed playing his video game. “So, take the tutorial and let’s see some improvement. Hmm?”

“Ok.”

“Ahem…in the possession category is where our best strength is. This Union has led Hell in possessions for that last few hundred years…Dennis…if you fart again…so help me…!” Gemory fixed a stern red eye on Dennis, who stopped smiling mischievously and straightened up. “Ok…stick to the key points. Remain invisible for as long as you can, stick to young women, mostly white, but women of ethnic descent work, too.” Gemory walked over to a flaming blackboard with an illustration of a house. Using a pointer he went about emphasizing key issues in home possession.

“Make sure to open and close random doors for no reason. Here,” he pointed to the attic, “is where ominous noises are best. They hear the noises throughout the house and are often too afraid to come up the stairs. Here,” pointing to a light in the hallway, “make the lights flicker or go out…this totally freaks them out.”

Amaymon raised a clawed hand…a sigh went through the assembled demons in the room. “When I was haunting that family, I would do weird shit like intentionally walking through flour placed on the floor, blowing on someone’s shoulder….oooh…ooh…pulling a chick by her leg and running down the stairs!”

Gemory, 7 feet tall of pure sinew and muscle and wearing the guise of a lawyer, waited for Amaymon to quit patting himself on the back. “Who here knows that movies were made about Amaymon’s possession?”

All hands went up.

“See, Amaymon..WE KNOW THAT SHIT! Now stop mentioning it at every meeting.”

Amaymon looked around the room. “Fuck y’all.”

“Aren’t they going to a attach the camera to a ceiling fan in the next film?” Count on Dennis for that.

“Hahahaah! Yes, man! It was going to be a motorized rocking chair, but…”

“Look, can we get on with this? I have humans to pull pranks on.” Uval said through a yawn.

“Nobody rushes me, Uval!” Gemory said angrily. “And they’re not pranks!”

“What else would you call possessing the body of teen girls just to piss off priests on the edge of their faith?”

“Do you want out of the Union, Uval? I can bounce your ass right out of here and all your dues will be forfeit.”

“Whatever man, just get this over.”

Gemory grumbled, but trudged on. “There is a Union luncheon next week, roasted human will be served and plenty of blood for everyone. I want reports on your body invasions…detailed reports. What you did, what languages you made them speak, and photos. Take a lot of photos…especially if they were formerly pretty white women. After possession pictures of the women twisted up and in absolute agony go on the picture board. There is a prize for the demon with the most tortured looking human.”

Dennis raised his hand, “What’s the prize?”

Gemory flipped a few pieces of skin on his clipboard. “Umm, free week off with unlimited passage to Disney World.”

“Ahh…I’ve already been.”

“You might not win anyway.”

“But if I do win I’d go to a place I’ve already been.”

“Then forfeit the prize so that somebody else can go.”

“Then I won’t have a prize.”

“Dennis, take the fucking prize or not I don’t care.”

“I want a demon name as my prize.”

“You earn the name, Dennis. I just told you that.” Gemory was fast losing his patience.

“That ain’t fair man.”

“Sigh…anyone else have any business to discuss?” Gemory asked hopefully.

Amaymon looked around the group, most were not paying attention anymore, Seere’s head was rolling with his forked tongue hanging out as he snored. And whether or not Furcus was listening was not known. “Hey…I gotta ask a question…where’s Legion?”

Gemory’s brow furrowed, “Yeah…Legion…well…as you all know…he had…problems. Problems in that he had many…many…many other personalities. Well…he formed them into factions…got into a gang fight…with…um…these personalities…and beat himself unconscious. Soo…yeah…he’s out of it for a minute.”

“Shit.”

“Alright…is there anything else?” Gemory scanned the group. “Ok, well that adjourns this meeting. Remember the tutorials, luncheon, and the details of this meeting. The minutes will be posted here and in the breakroom. Ok…let’s wreak some havoc.”

God’s Plan

            God strode into the room angry. He had been sitting watching the humans, his children, for too long and had endured enough. His irritation was radiating off his body in waves and the expression on his face was frightening. All the angels scrambled to get out of his way, for it was not wise to be in the viscenity when god was in foul mood. He hurled a lightning bolt and caused a few earthquakes as he paced back and forth. Of course, no one attempted to console him…other than Lucifer. That’s right.

Lu stepped lightly into the white lighted white room of white while god in a white robe with his white beard bristling continued fuming. After a moment, he finally acknowledge Lucifer. “About time, Lu.”

“Well, you kicked me out and I believe your people are saying some really unfair and wrong things about me.” Lu stated.

“That was unfortunate, but it couldn’t be helped. Besides, that’s not why I called you.” God’s eyes were red. Lu sighed…it was his turn to be the understanding one. “What happened?”

“The whole plan was screwed from the beginning, Lu. Ever since those humans left…”

“…were kicked out also…”

“LEFT…the Garden, it’s been all downhill. Cain killed able, I had to firebomb two cities worth of people and THEN…and THEN…I had to kill the wife of the guy whose family was the only one I saved. I sent an Angel SWAT Team in and everything.” God fixed Lucifer with an intense, haunted stare. “Do you know that they tried to rape my angels?”

Of course, Lu knew, but pointing that out would probably piss god off. So, instead he said, “Wow, what did you do about that?”

“Oh nothing, luckily Lot offered up his young daughters to the mob of rapists, instead.” The fact that was said with a straight face was not lost on Lu. “Anyway, I had to kill his wife.”

“For what?”

“Looking back after I said not to.”

“Looking back at what? You raining meteors down own her village?”

“Yes. I’m NOT to be disobeyed.” That was just as much a statement as it was a threat. Lu internalized his opinion.

“Well, freeing your chosen people helped, right? That had to feel good.” Lu offered.

God sighed. “You know, I had that guy go tell the Pharoah to let those people go and while the tricks I had him do were a bit satisfying, it pains me to tell you that I had him kill like 3,000 of them. Well, of the ones that were left after they left Egypt.” There was a solemn look on his face. “The made a golden god while I was giving Moses my instructions…on stone tablets.”

“Ok…first…why not use paper? It’s much lighter and two…you know that they created the god on the spot. Which, to me, should have told them that it was a powerless idol, but couldn’t you have shown them the error of their ways without killing a large chunk of the people you were saving?”

“It was really, Moses’ call, but I didn’t disagree with it. Well, after 40 years of wandering and then a war to wipe out the people already living in the land that I promised them, all that was settled.”

“I’m glad.”

“Until, I had to cause a Flood to wipe off the earth of everyone and everything, minus the family of the guy I got to build the ark by himself.”

“ I remember that.” Lu certainly did. He had tried to avoid remembering it, actually.

“Yeah, not one of my better ideas. Of course, the rainbow was my apology and promise to not do it again.”

“I’m sure that made up for world massacre.”

God paused and raised an eyebrow. Lu turned his head. After a moment, god shifted in his white throne and let the comment pass. “I’m surprised at how fast the humans repopulated the earth after having to start again with 6. But, it didn’t work.” God pouted. “They went right back to not worshiping me, killing, and general human mischief. And so, now I have another idea.”

“Oh, shit.” Lu swore under his breath.

“There’s a woman that I’ve picked out. A married virgin…I’m going to impregnate her, right…”

“Wait, wait, wait…why are you doing that?!”

“It’s part of the plan, Lu. Listen.” God continued without missing a beat. “Now, she’s gonna give birth to my child, who she will raise. At the right age, he’ll perform miracles in my name, raise the dead, you know…cast out a few demons, and…more importantly…spread the good word about me, Heaven, and me…and him, too.” Lu blinked. “Later, one guy will betray him to some old Jews, he’ll be beaten, tortured, and crucified…but…here’s the kicker…he’ll come back three days later…just fine. This will lead people back upon the right path.”

Lu sat in silence for a moment to absorb what he had just heard. God was intelligent. He had to be to design such an impressive thing as life and the Earth, but…there were times when he went a little on the deep end of things. Lu remembered their argument about Adam and Eve and how that went down, so he was well aware of God’s…less than lucid moments. This had to be one of those moments. Lu, took it upon himself to try to help God where he could. “Alright, I thought you told that guy that adultery was a sin?”

“It is.”

“But, you are going to impregnate a girl you know is with someone else? What’s to stop him from thinking she cheated on him and kill her?”

“I’ll…work that out, somehow.”

“Wait, did she consent to all this?”

God blinked twice. “Well, I haven’t had time to tell her, yet.”

“Tell her? You’re not going to even ask?”

God chuckled, “Lu…I’m God, remember? I don’t ask for shit!”

“What about this kid and this torture thing? Why is that necessary?”

“I figure that humans are so used to suffering by now, thanks to you…”

“None of this is MY fault and you know it!”

“That their Savior being brutally murdered would tug at their heart strings a bit.” God plunged ahead undeterred by Lu’s anger. He’ll know the plan, too and he will be resurrected a few days later…so…it’s ok. Heck, I might do it myself.”

“Impregnate a women with yourself then have yourself killed on behalf of yourself then resurrect yourself a few days later?”

God laughed.

Lu stared incredulously at God, who stared back with no apparent realization of how stupid an idea this was. “So, why do it? Why kill a man that you’re not going to leave dead? Why do you even need to have him born? Why couldn’t he just…I don’t know…appear?”

“Wouldn’t be part of the plan.”

“So…so…umm…why…did you call me?”

“Well, Lu…every hero needs a villain, you know. That’s where you come in at.” God smiled. “I need you to be a bit more evil.”

“You need a fall guy, you mean.”

“Think of it this way, Lu. How can they know good from evil if the evil doesn’t act very evil. You need to be more evil. That was my purpose in creating you, you know?”

That struck Lucifer by surprise. “I did not know that in fact and frankly I’m a bit offended. Besides, it seems that you have the ‘evil’ thing covered with as many people as you’ve killed…so far.”

“Collateral damage and people who deserved it for not obeying me, Lu.” God’s eyes were turning redder. “Are you gonna help me out or not?”

“I don’t like this. And you tarnishing my name is fucked up! This whole plan is fucked up! You’re making a guy solely to boost your own ego.”

“You got it wrong, you idiot! And that guy will lead them to ME, since you know so damn much!”

“Then why kill him? Why not leave him to rule in your name?”
“Because that’s not the fuckin’ plan, Lu!”

“You’re insane!”

“I’M GOD, BITCH!”

“Look,” Lu stopped, “this is getting us nowhere. You need to stop killing your own creations. Maybe they’d love you more then.”

God walked up to Lu. A calmness was on his face, but the redness in his eyes was still there. “Fuck that.”

“Ok, I’m done here.”

“They’ll learn the hard why, damn it! I’m going to write a book to tell them exactly what they need to know so that when they piss me off…there is no misunderstanding.”

“And you need ME to be the evil one?”

“You know what, I’ve had enough of you! I’m god! You should be kissing my ass, Lu.”

“I’m done. Ok…I’m gone.” Lu turned to walk out.

“Be evil or I’ll kick your ass Lu! It’s going to take over a 1,000 years to write that book, so get on it!” God shouted at Lu’s back. “You better, Lu! I’m serious!” Lucifer left without another word, with god fuming the whole time.

Adam’s Problem

Adam’s Problem 

I don’t know how it happened. One minute Eve and myself were very happy. Like, happy in a, “we never thought about anything at all” kinda way. It wasn’t like we had anything to think about, ya know? Nothing had happened before us and we were the only inhabitants on the planet, we soon found out, so it wasn’t like our minds were filled with stuff to contemplate. After God created my wife, Eve, we just wondered about. I was busy naming all the animals, which only now I see as being a very stupid idea. He could SEE every animal on Earth, I had to wait until the damn thing happened across my path. And with millions of animals, insects, and marine (I made that up myself) life, it would have taken me freaking forever…which I would have had if she hadn’t listened to that damn flying serpent.

I hadn’t even named it. All I know is it was a serpent that talked…and flew…because God was pissed about it and made it wonder on it’s stomach after that. It tells Eve about the one tree god put in the garden that he didn’t want us to touch. Now, I wouldn’t have touched it if it were not for Eve. Being the only female human on the planet, it was a bit hard to have any other choice and at the time, we were both just goofy and happy as sunshine. Which is an interesting thing, right? You know, before I ate that fruit, I had no idea what sex was. Like I said, we were kind of blank minded, but afterwards…we…whew!

Anyway, the serpent sort of told her about how god omitted a few details about that tree. I didn’t even think about why the tree was there in the first place, yet here it was, with beautiful fruit hanging from it with Eve holding one of the fruits in her hand suggesting I take a bite. She smiled, I smiled…and POW! Holy shit! I’m naked, she has tits and shit, my penis had grown large and hard, and I suddenly knew what to do with it. And we did! Many times, man!

It was during one of those times that god walked into the garden on a casual stroll and you haven’t seen odd until you’ve seen a god take on a form that allowed him to walk through a garden that he created and of which he could’ve seen every moment we made from…heaven. I remember the goofy feeling I had before eating the fruit and the awakening I felt after I ate from it. Now, here this guy comes and he is pissed. He questioned us, but already knew the answers we would give and the next thing I knew, “Think you smart now, get your shit and get out! The both of you!”

And like that we were out and on our own, no warning, no stern talking to. He kicked us out without ceremony. You would have thought that there would be more people around, but since he only had the idea of making two of us, there wasn’t. I turns to Eve, “This is all your fault. You know that right?”

“Me?! He told YOU about the tree. Nobody made you eat the fruit!” Her eyes were red from crying, but that fruit had apparently instilled in her the meaning of being pissed off. “The serpent thing didn’t say god would be so mad.”

“Looked like a snake to me. I had seen snakes before though, some of them had rattles, which is weird since I noticed that there were many, many different types of animals in the same area.  But, in the Garden, none of them ate each other. Take the tigers for instance, makes you wonder why they had teeth perfect for ripping meat even in a place where they didn’t eat anything but fruit.” That fruit…mmm…I was already loving being intelligent. But Eve said… “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Nothing. What made you listen to a talking snake?”

Her eyes turned red-er. “It was YOUR job to name all the animals. How was I to know that THIS animal was any different?”

“Well, none of the other animals talked, woman! How’s that for a clue?”

She stopped and stared directly into my eyes. “Listen, MAN! None of the other animals were 18 feet tall like that giraffe thing, none of the other animals swung from the trees like those monkeys, and I did NOT see any flying rodents other than the bats! So, was I to know that a talking snake was any different? I’m only a few weeks old!”

“Well, I…”

“And another thing. I don’t get what your job was. Naming animals? Did you name ALL of them?”

“Only the ones I saw. I couldn’t…”

“What about the lake or the oceans?” She was making TOO much sense.

“Well, there wasn’t one in the Garden. Only small ponds.”

“Huh, so there are entire parts this earth outside of the Garden, with animals that have no names.” She shook her head. “Forget that,” She planted her hands on her hips, “I thought god had made the thing and that YOU had named it. That was YOUR job, remember? But you didn’t name this one, did you?” She walked off before I could answer.

Well, she had me there. I didn’t name it, because I didn’t know about it. Like I said, I had to wait for the animals to come into my line of sight and we hadn’t been there long before we were kicked out. We wondered for a few days until we decided that one place was as good as any to set up a place to live. And that itself took forever. I not only had to figure out what to build to shelter us, but how and with what! Years later, here we were…a family, popping out kids one after another…like a slew of them. Now here comes a hard topic…what are our kids to do?

God made me a woman…we made kids. Aaaannnddd those kids were the only other humans on the Earth. Sooo…our kids…had to make it with…you know…each other. You know…incest and what not. Ahem…yeah. It wasn’t my idea. He only made two of us, so…what else did he expect us to do?

Eve made things hell for me. My punishment she said, for getting her into this mess. Which, actually was more her fault that mine, but then again, I didn’t know there were flying, talking manipulative serpents in the Garden either. Sigh…there she goes…Sheesh!

Message To The Masses

<Thought I’d switch gears this time and write something based on some observations I made.>

Gathered amongst themselves,

Shielded in their shells

Leading them to learning wells

Nevertheless, their resistance only swells

Increased by their bias

Reason, they won’t even try it

Content in their intellectual diet

A different way of thinking, they won’t even try it

Free thought is an illusion

Or so I’ve come to my jaded conclusion

Because I see their words and delusion

Their complaints with no solution

Lost in the miasma, a change we need

We have to breakaway, be mentally freed

Baggage of the past we don’t need

Let go of bs, in order to succeed

Racism is a control

A waste of thought, no aim, no goal

A way to separate you from the fold

Fracture the people, clinging to the old

The ways we had when we lost

The nation, broken, what a terrible cost

The status quo the boss

Arisen now, the anchors we can toss

Feed from the positive, change the perspective

Move beyond the bandwagons, and standard directive

Cut the mess, but be less intellectually selective

Open minds, open doors, seeking a new objective

Go beyond agreeing

See what they aren’t seeing

Your mind you should be freeing

Against the grain, but conformity you’ll be fleeing

They say don’t believe everything you hear

That doesn’t count for them, for they’re sincere

Got the info from someone dear

But just as lost as they appear

Use your mind, it is the best weapon

Move outside the crowd, beyond their detection

Earn your knowledge, be the exception

And avoid the agreers and the ego based deception

DEATHMATCH: MAN VS. WO-MAN

“Wow! That last bout was a stunner!”

“Jim, that was the best match i’ve seen all my years as a ringside commentator. And I’ll expect there will be a rematch between White Man and Black Man.”

“Yes, Tony. Unless, Asian Man or Latino Man wants to get in on the action.”

“Well, now we turn our attention to our final bout of the evening. The title match and a battle of epic proportions.”

“Yes, the battle of the sexes has been raging forever, finally the 2 sides, each with their chosen fighter to represent their total characteristics, will come to the ring and battle it out in a match to the death. Man and Wo-Man are going to head to head, in a battle to the end.”

“That’s right, Tony. The Boss of Bosses, Shao Kawn, will decide the fates of Man or Wo-Man should the fighter be rendered helpless or in the event of a draw. And with announcer, Whit Winglestein stepping into the ring, this match is about to start. Take it away, Whit.”

“Llllaaaddddieesss and Geentlemen! Live from a secret location, we bring you our final battle of the night. A match to the very death that will decide who is more awesome, who holds the most power, who has the most sex, who masterbates the most often, why they cheat, how they get caught and why…and why the hell the toilet seat and towels you aren’t supposed to use are such a big deal. EVERYBODY! LET’S GET SOME ASS KICKING GOING!! (ha…see what I did there?) Making his way to the ring, no doubt because his competitor insisted, standing 6’1”, 210lbs wearing a surly expression and black shorts, Heeerrreees MAN!”

“Wow, the men cheering loud and proud for their champion Tony.”

“Yes, they are Jim, let’s see how the ladies respond.”

“And now…entering to the song, “I’m a Bitch”…standing an average 5’6″ and she wouldn’t tell us her weight…I give you WOOOOOO-MAAANNNN!!!”

“Listen to that Jim! The women are going wild!”

“I can hear it! Haha..this is gonna be good. Look at the looks they are giving each other. Man belched loud right at Wo-Man. Bi-sexual referee, Sheldon Percy, is bringing the fighters to the center of the right.”

“Alright, there are no rules except no bitching from either of you. Fight!”

“Alright, Jim…the fighters touch hands and go! Oh, Wo-Man is the first to strike with a generic, blanketed attack on male masculinity. Man returns with a traditional role of women argument!”

“Now they exchange blows, Man, being stronger, delivers powerful insults to Wo-Man’s weaker body, but Wo-Man is returning with uppercuts to the stomach and lazy ass, broke Babydaddy Retorts.”

“Oh, I can see the insults to Man’s ego are taking an effect on him, he’s getting angry and launching Slut Elbows with slut slurs at Wo-man’s head. She’s taking a beating. She need’s to get out of that corner, Jim! Oh, now it’s on, Wo-Man ducks that elbow,  and delivers Woman’s Suffrage Kick to the jaw and a quick combo Women are Better Liars jabs and Cheating Accusation Power Punches.”

“Yeah, but Man, as usual is ducking and dodging the issue. BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH…Wo-Man get’s him with her signature Bringing Up Old Shit Roundhouse. Man is a bit wobbly. Wo-Man is getting on the top turnbuckle…she jumps and lands an Unsubmissive Knee to the forehead. Man goes down.”

“Wo-man makes the cover…1…2…no. Man jerks up and quickly brings  knee of his own to Wo-Man’s ribs.  A flurry of slaps backs Wo-Man up to the rope, Man pulls back for a Men-Need-Sex-More Back hand, but Wo-Man ducks again. She’s hurling punches to the face. Man counters with headbutt…runs to the rope…ahh…a nasty Fuck the Toilet Seat Clothesline. Wo-Man is down, but not out. Ohhh! Another jab and Women Are More Emotional Bodyslam on Man!”

“It’s not over, Jim. Man rolls to avoid a Guilt Ridden Stomp and catches Wo-Man’s foot and takes her down. He’s going for a Dick Submission Lock…but LOOK AT THAT! Wo-Man activates her PMS Bitch Defense…frying Man’s skin and libido! He let’s go.”

“Now that the gloves are off, Man throws his Blast of Male Testosterone, catching W0-Man right between the breasts. And that may be it for Wo-Man. Man swaggers over and lays a lazy cover over her. 1…2…3…NO! Wo-Man got an arm up! Summoning all the opinions of men to her she shoots a Ego Shriveling Ray. Man is dazed. Wo-Man lands another blast! And another! Ohh! Ohh! Pussy Whipper! Man is down! IS IT OVER? IS THIS IT?”

“FINISH THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!”

“You heard him, Tony! The Blue Ball Smasher! MAN IS DONE! IT’S OVER! WO-MAN WINS!”

“Ohhh, Jim. Listen to the ladies go wild cheering their heroine who stands worn out, but smiling. She represented all of them  and didn’t fail.”

“No she didn’t. Each fighter had the weight of sexual stereotypes on their side and fought bravely to maintain them or destroy them, depending on whose side you’re on. Look at the roses raining down.”

“Well, she deserves it. And my wife is going to be extra happy to night!”

“I hear ya.”

“Whit is going to let the champion speak.”

“I came to the ring to represent ALL of you! ALL OF YOU! I speak for ALL of you! Everything I say about men is what we ALL say about them! So, we are all one! Here, Whit, thank you…here’s a kiss.”

“W-w-well, I’m sure Man would’ve said the exact same thing…without the kiss…though. He might have included an alpha-male, over doing it, I’m-not-gay and i’ll prove it by being more homophobic than the next guy speech. I’d have shanked him for that. Hehheh…I’m joking…but seriously…back to you Jim and Tony.”

“Well, Tony…that was amazing.”

“I’ll say, Jim.”

“And with Man’s mangled, ball-less corpse being trampled on as the ring feels up, we conclude this broadcast and bring you to the program you would have been watching if we hadn’t pirated the signal. For Tony Bolonga, I’m Jim Hoss, thanks for watching and good night.”

T.H.E.Y.

Mount Dread, Headquarters of the Evil Illuminati ruling party known only as T.H.E.Y. The heads of the organization come forth annually to further discuss their plans of retaining the world’s power in their hands. The room is dim the tables and high backed rocker chairs are black…as is their hearts.

Overlord Hock clears his throat. His eyes narrow as he scanned the masked faces before him. Arranged in a circle so that all could observe each other, there being no honor amongst the thieves of this level, neither trusted the other, but so ingrained and powerful were they, that no one dared change that. No one wanted to disturb the delicate organization they had created. To be true, they all wanted more…but to have more is to take from the other…a risk too high for either to take.

Adeb, the name this member had chosen, spoke first through his computer, which changed his voice into a monotoned, robot sounding speech. “My people are continuing to spread Christianity as well as Islam into my homeland. The people are scared…we keep them scared…the more frightened they are the more they can be controlled. Even those that would help them, must go through me, first.”

Crystal spoke next, “Good, meanwhile, our plans are in place to assassinate the rapper Ghostface Killa. He is getting to close to us.”

The Overlord nodded his hooded and masked head. “I assume you will take the same measures that you did with Tupac and this…Biggie?’

“Yes, Overlord.”

RoyalPurple, a name that Overlord Hock laughed at, spoke up. “We are continuing to stoke the fires of political chaos in the US. The people are falling all over themselves. Each candidate that runs is one of us.”

“ONE OF US!” They all say in unison.

“Demented Doctor of Doom…how goes your plans for storing human and animal DNA?”

The one Hock referred to leaned forward. Even through the computer altered his voice, his tone was dripping with evil glee. “Beautifully, my lord. All the plant seeds have nearly been collected. Even the inedible ones…we have plenty of pines.” The computer laughed. “Animals and human dna gathering has been completed. We took some from each race…only the strongest…and stored them in an underground bunker…made of plastic.” He rubbed his hands together.

“Good…it seems your demented evil is at a new high. That is good, Doctor. You may have a cookie.” Hock motioned the servant standing by, also masked, to hand the Doctor a cookie and a napkin.

Crystal, envious of the Doctor, snorted in irritation. “Lord, I have managed to have a US president shot, another shot at, one embroiled in a sexual scandal, and another accused of being Hitler. It is I who should have a cookie.”

Before the Overlord could speak, Adeb interjected. “No, you didn’t. One of my men personally worked on the president’s campaign. My man is black, by the way and has a Facebook account with a sizeable following. His followers listen to everything he says. They will hate the president more and feel vindicated in their irrational thought because they agree with each other.”

“That was you? You were behind the President’s Midget Sex Doll Orgy scandal?”

“Yes, that was me.” An air of smugness did not go unnoticed by Crystal.

“Unfortunately,” Hock spoke, “the President himself was not there. He was busy taking out one of our…less than favorable followers, Dusty, the Icelandic Terrorist.”

Adeb stammered, then fell silent. The Doctor seized this moment. “I have people getting flu shots…slowing poisoning them.”

Crystal, “What about those that don’t get flu shots? Besides, it is I who created the chemtrail conspiracy. We’ll kill them all!”

“Crystal, my dear, even those who don’t get flu shots…must take some kind of medicine. I have all the medicine controlled. All of it…I own every single one of the largest pharmaceutical makers in the world. All of them!” The Doctor laughed again.

RoyalPurple, who had watched the people before him with contempt, finally cut off Adeb before he could speak again. “Listen, the US is rife with chances to keep people serving us. I..me…Ric…I mean…RoyalPurple…have made it so that all political parties are actually controlled by ME! I appoint who I want and destroy who I want. My people control that country. Even it’s media. We set up Dave Chappelle! We set up the President! We rule everyone!”

Overload Hock stood up. “I do not tolerate overreaching in here. And stop bragging…some people have taken the stance of NOT voting to counteract your plans.”

“I have a plan for that, too. Besides…even if they don’t vote, their tax dollars pay for whom ever I install into the president’s position. Hell, they are still paying for the last president and the one before that.”

“Well, don’t forget…I know about you RoyalPurple…I am of the highest level of Freemasons…I know what you’ve done…and what you haven’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“You can’t control both parties, because I do. I own Goldman Sachs and P&G!” He leveled his gaze at them, “I fucking own Disney World and Little Debbie.” The moment of triumphant evilness was ruined when Hock’s other servant farted.

Everyone looked from one to the other. Adeb took this time to speak up, but was cut off again by the Crystal. “That’s amazing…we own the entire world. Wait a minute…Doctor, if you are poisoning everything, how are you preventing US from being poisoned?”

The Doctor shrugged.

Adeb stood up, raised his hand, but Royal Purple beat him to the punch. “I’m preventing the truth about 9/11 from being known, by spreading different theories about what the truth is to the point where those that think the truth is the truth are really being fed lies and/or a different version of what WE call the truth which isn’t actually the truth, but more of a made up lie using the truth as a backdrop to make truth less a lie and more truth. In fact…that was the reason for the number 911…emergency…get it? You get that right? I thought of it myself.”

Crystal sighed.

“Hold a moment Crystal.” Hock held up his hand, then pointed to on of the other servants…”Kill him.” Pointing to the one that farted. He was drug off and a single gunshot was heard. “Go ahead.”

“You know…that last president was good. Dimwitted enough to blindly follow everything we told him. Too bad we could not extend his terms forever. But…T.H.E.Y must keep the little people guessing. The people must know that T.H.E.Y. are to be feared…even though they can’t know about T.H.E.Y. I want a cookie, too, btw.”

“Give them all cookies, then beat the other servant. I’m a bit bothered by the fact that none of you pointed out my handling of this country.” Hock allowed himself to pout. “I mean, I have 99% of people made at 1% . They are occupying cities all over this country.”

“To what end?”

“What do you mean?”

“For what purpose?”

“Evil.”

“Oh.”

“Look, you motherfuckers are going to listen to me,” Adeb said. “In my homeland, they…”

“We don’t care about your homeland…and you are not supposed to tell us where you are from.” Hock shouted.

“Where’s the other servant? I want another cookie.” The Doctor said.

“He left to go make another YouTube video about everything we just said.”

“Huh?”

“So, you are why those videos keep coming out. Are you going to kill him?’ Crystal said.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because…I’m just not.” The Overlord said in a surly tone.

“You just allow that information to just walk out of a secret organization’s secret meetings?” Crystal asked.

“Yes. I don’t understand what the problem is.”

“You just let secret information walk out of here.” Adeb shouted.

“Sit down Adeb…I know what i’m doing. Trust me…I even know his name and where he lives.”

“Why have you not silenced him?”

“Because…I am head of a worldwide super power of global levels of influence…I can’t do everything. ”

So, it was. The council argued on that point for hours. Eventually concluding that the secret information thus seen in many a YouTube video was vidal to spreading fear and mistrust in the empire. Keeping the lil people afraid and mistrustful worked in their favor, so they had little to fear. The mistrustful will believe that their distrust protects them, but T.H.E.Y. control everything…and there is no way around that.

Lu’s Version of the Story

Ok, so I was minding my own business up in Heaven. There was not shit else to do and I had grown bored with…not doing shit.  Apparently, though he did not show it, God was bored, as well. I always thought that he did not look nearly as confident as he let on, but what do I know. He created me and every other angel…for the hell of it seems…but I guess that you can do those things as a god.

One day, he comes to me and says, “I have an idea…I’m going to create…something. A planet…a world and fill it with people and other stuff.”

I nodded. “I see…but why?”

“To worship me.” There was a gleam in his eye that I did not like.

“Ok…umm…sounds like fun.”

I simply agreed with him…I figured that he needed something to get himself out of whatever funk he was in. He had been pretty down lately and with nothing but immortals that will only agree or say yes surrounding him; I think he needed something to take his mind off the mundane chore of being a god with nothing to do. And…besides…he had all the power, so he could do shit like that. “How can I help, Boss?”

“I’ll let you know. I may need some help with some things.”

So, since there was nothing else to do, I went and talked with Gabriel. We had our usual talks about time…like…what is it. I mean, when you are ageless and there is no night or day, you do not have an idea of time, so we just mused about it. You know, shooting the breeze. I tell him about God’s plan. Gabriel liked the idea. God comes and gets me. He had a happy look on his face.

“I have it…I figured it out. I’m going to create people…call ’em humans…a few of them at first in a…a…garden…on this world. With animals and plants…all kinds of things. I had Phillip help me design them.”

Phillip was a minor angel no one ever talked to…he was…odd…to say the least.

So, now that God was in a much better mood, he and I went to the task of world building. He did not tell me how easy it would be for HIM. However, I let him do all the work…ya know…I’m not all-powerful and shit. I mean, he simply said, “Let there be light” and *BAM* there it was. Then he split the light and dark and called it morning and night or whatever. He then went on to create water, land, and the plants. Smooth…very smooth. Now, that he had invented days and night, we had time…so after what HE said was the 4th day, he did something odd. He said, and I know he said this because he later had someone write it in a book, although why he did not write it down THEN…HIMSELF beats me. But he said: “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.”

He then made the Sun for light and warmth during the day and what he called the Moon, which got its light from the Sun, to light the night.

“Umm…where did you get the light from on the first day?” A simple question…but it totally pissed him off. So, rather than bother with it, I left. I mean, it was a valid question…how did he have light on the first day if he JUST now created the mechanism to give the world light? Smh. I went and minded my own business for the next few days. On what he called the 7th day, he was tired and rested.

I didn’t come back until he had set everything up, land, plants, and water. He and Phillip had designed the animals…and Phillip, that guy has some strange ideas. Some of the animals were just…I mean…what is a platypus…a duck and rat combined or whatever…elephant seals, and other odd stuff. And one human…a guy God called Adam. He had this Adam naming the animals. Why? Beats me, I guess he didn’t have time to do it himself. From what I could tell, that was Adam’s whole purpose…sit there in the garden naming animals. This was GOD’s idea, you understand. For you see…he had placed different animals and plants all over the world and since water was a totally new thing to Adam, I cannot see how he would have named anything he had not seen. In addition, since he never left the garden, it made no sense how he would name all the animals. I brought this up with God.

“Ok, I understand that he needs something to do, but how is he going to name the creatures you placed deep in the oceans?”

“Oh…I’ll just tell him.” He said smugly.

“Well, you could’ve told him the other millions of names, too. Couldn’t you?”

“Yeah, I could have.”

“Is anyone going to write this down and I thought you were making a world of people. So far I only see one.”

God smiled at me and said nothing. I figured that was my queue to leave…until I heard him say. “I’m god, bitch!”

Whoa! I went about my day. I did visit this Earth he made and thought he’d done a good job. Although, since my mood was tainted with being thoroughly pissed at him, I suppose I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have. At night, you could see thousands of lights in the sky. Stars, he said…put there just to fuck with his own creations, I imagine. I shook my head at the humor.

Returning to Heaven, I found him busy brainstorming again. He called me over as if nothing had happened earlier. It had occurred to him that Adam needed someone to help him, so he does this…get this now…makes him lay down. He puts him to sleep. I ask, “You gonna make the 2nd person the way you made the first? You know that sand thing you did.

“Nope…Gonna pull out a rib.”

“Wait…what?”

And that’s exactly what he did. He pulled a rib out of the guy and made another human out of it…a woman, he called it. He named her Eve. Now…this is where things get tricky. God, being unhinged as it is, then makes a tree…he had plenty of trees in this one Garden (why he only made one, I don’t know), but he made a tree, which he infused the fruit on it with “knowledge”…saying that this was information that they really should not have…and placed it right in the damn Garden! “This is very dangerous, Lu. I forbade them to touch it. If they eat from this tree…I shudder to think what will happen.”

“So, why’d you make it?”

“Because, I can. And I wouldn’t be a real ruler if I didn’t give them a chance to disobey me. I told them not to, but this way they have a choice in the whole thing.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry Lu, I have a plan. I ALWAYS have a plan.”

“Huh? But…”

“No time, Lu. Let me get back to my work.”

I had held my tongue for a minute, but felt the need to speak up here. “That doesn’t make sense. Why did you just NOT make the tree? Or put the tree away from the Garden?”

“You missed what I just said.”

“I heard you, but it seems…stupid.”

God looked at me with a stern eye. “I am your Lord and Master, best watch how you talk to me.” That gleam was back in his eyes.

What? “I’m just trying to help here and why didn’t you make more than 2 humans, but you made plenty of animals?”

“This is why I am a God and you are not…because I fucking can! Alright! Is that good enough for you?!” I walked off after that and it was during this time that apparently a serpent sneaked in and told Eve about the fruit on the forbidden to eat from, inappropriately placed tree, who told Adam. They ate from it…and God totally went ape shit over it. I mean, he was livid, and exiled them from the Garden just like he said, the only Garden. Automatically, I’m the prime suspect.

“You did it, didn’t you? I know…because I know everything!”

“I didn’t do it. I was here, remember? And this was YOUR plan!”

“No, I know it was you. You ruined everything. I had to sentence a serpent to wander on its stomach because of you.”

“How was it getting around before that?”

“That’s not the point. The serpent told Eve what I told YOU. That’s how I know it was you!”

“Wait, you made an animal that talks? In what language? Do the other animals talk?”

“Stop getting off the subject!” He was pissed and I got more pissed because I was innocent.

“First off, I thought that was in your whole damn plan! You are the one who put the fucking tree in the Garden in the first place!”

“I told you why I did it! Free choice, asshole!”

“It’s not a choice if they get punished for making the choice that you didn’t want them to make! What are you going to do now?!”

He huffed. “Them and every human born will suffer for disobeying me. I mean…boy…are they gonna suffer.”

“That’s pretty harsh, especially for the ones born later who didn’t do anything. And since you made only 2, their offspring will have to reproduce with each other! What kind of shit is that?”

“What’s wrong with that? Huh? You know what? I don’t have to explain shit to you…I’m God, remember?! I am the Highest, the Most High! The Most-est, motherfucker!”

“For someone with so much power, you sure love patting yourself on the back. I hope those creatures you made don’t have the any of your problems. You need help.”

“Help? I’m God!”

“I heard you the last 5,000 times you said it. Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?”

“That’s it…GET OUT!”

He meant it. God never had the balls to admit when HE was the one wrong, but he sure could point out what YOU did. I just had to be the one that pushed him to edge for calling him on it. And that’s how it was. I left, a few angels agreed with me and left, too. This REALLY pissed him off. *Sigh* what can you do. You know…what really hurts is that he had his humans write this shit down thousands of years later and had it ALL looking like it was MY fault. Coldblooded…that’s what you get for questioning God.