God’s Plan

            God strode into the room angry. He had been sitting watching the humans, his children, for too long and had endured enough. His irritation was radiating off his body in waves and the expression on his face was frightening. All the angels scrambled to get out of his way, for it was not wise to be in the viscenity when god was in foul mood. He hurled a lightning bolt and caused a few earthquakes as he paced back and forth. Of course, no one attempted to console him…other than Lucifer. That’s right.

Lu stepped lightly into the white lighted white room of white while god in a white robe with his white beard bristling continued fuming. After a moment, he finally acknowledge Lucifer. “About time, Lu.”

“Well, you kicked me out and I believe your people are saying some really unfair and wrong things about me.” Lu stated.

“That was unfortunate, but it couldn’t be helped. Besides, that’s not why I called you.” God’s eyes were red. Lu sighed…it was his turn to be the understanding one. “What happened?”

“The whole plan was screwed from the beginning, Lu. Ever since those humans left…”

“…were kicked out also…”

“LEFT…the Garden, it’s been all downhill. Cain killed able, I had to firebomb two cities worth of people and THEN…and THEN…I had to kill the wife of the guy whose family was the only one I saved. I sent an Angel SWAT Team in and everything.” God fixed Lucifer with an intense, haunted stare. “Do you know that they tried to rape my angels?”

Of course, Lu knew, but pointing that out would probably piss god off. So, instead he said, “Wow, what did you do about that?”

“Oh nothing, luckily Lot offered up his young daughters to the mob of rapists, instead.” The fact that was said with a straight face was not lost on Lu. “Anyway, I had to kill his wife.”

“For what?”

“Looking back after I said not to.”

“Looking back at what? You raining meteors down own her village?”

“Yes. I’m NOT to be disobeyed.” That was just as much a statement as it was a threat. Lu internalized his opinion.

“Well, freeing your chosen people helped, right? That had to feel good.” Lu offered.

God sighed. “You know, I had that guy go tell the Pharoah to let those people go and while the tricks I had him do were a bit satisfying, it pains me to tell you that I had him kill like 3,000 of them. Well, of the ones that were left after they left Egypt.” There was a solemn look on his face. “The made a golden god while I was giving Moses my instructions…on stone tablets.”

“Ok…first…why not use paper? It’s much lighter and two…you know that they created the god on the spot. Which, to me, should have told them that it was a powerless idol, but couldn’t you have shown them the error of their ways without killing a large chunk of the people you were saving?”

“It was really, Moses’ call, but I didn’t disagree with it. Well, after 40 years of wandering and then a war to wipe out the people already living in the land that I promised them, all that was settled.”

“I’m glad.”

“Until, I had to cause a Flood to wipe off the earth of everyone and everything, minus the family of the guy I got to build the ark by himself.”

“ I remember that.” Lu certainly did. He had tried to avoid remembering it, actually.

“Yeah, not one of my better ideas. Of course, the rainbow was my apology and promise to not do it again.”

“I’m sure that made up for world massacre.”

God paused and raised an eyebrow. Lu turned his head. After a moment, god shifted in his white throne and let the comment pass. “I’m surprised at how fast the humans repopulated the earth after having to start again with 6. But, it didn’t work.” God pouted. “They went right back to not worshiping me, killing, and general human mischief. And so, now I have another idea.”

“Oh, shit.” Lu swore under his breath.

“There’s a woman that I’ve picked out. A married virgin…I’m going to impregnate her, right…”

“Wait, wait, wait…why are you doing that?!”

“It’s part of the plan, Lu. Listen.” God continued without missing a beat. “Now, she’s gonna give birth to my child, who she will raise. At the right age, he’ll perform miracles in my name, raise the dead, you know…cast out a few demons, and…more importantly…spread the good word about me, Heaven, and me…and him, too.” Lu blinked. “Later, one guy will betray him to some old Jews, he’ll be beaten, tortured, and crucified…but…here’s the kicker…he’ll come back three days later…just fine. This will lead people back upon the right path.”

Lu sat in silence for a moment to absorb what he had just heard. God was intelligent. He had to be to design such an impressive thing as life and the Earth, but…there were times when he went a little on the deep end of things. Lu remembered their argument about Adam and Eve and how that went down, so he was well aware of God’s…less than lucid moments. This had to be one of those moments. Lu, took it upon himself to try to help God where he could. “Alright, I thought you told that guy that adultery was a sin?”

“It is.”

“But, you are going to impregnate a girl you know is with someone else? What’s to stop him from thinking she cheated on him and kill her?”

“I’ll…work that out, somehow.”

“Wait, did she consent to all this?”

God blinked twice. “Well, I haven’t had time to tell her, yet.”

“Tell her? You’re not going to even ask?”

God chuckled, “Lu…I’m God, remember? I don’t ask for shit!”

“What about this kid and this torture thing? Why is that necessary?”

“I figure that humans are so used to suffering by now, thanks to you…”

“None of this is MY fault and you know it!”

“That their Savior being brutally murdered would tug at their heart strings a bit.” God plunged ahead undeterred by Lu’s anger. He’ll know the plan, too and he will be resurrected a few days later…so…it’s ok. Heck, I might do it myself.”

“Impregnate a women with yourself then have yourself killed on behalf of yourself then resurrect yourself a few days later?”

God laughed.

Lu stared incredulously at God, who stared back with no apparent realization of how stupid an idea this was. “So, why do it? Why kill a man that you’re not going to leave dead? Why do you even need to have him born? Why couldn’t he just…I don’t know…appear?”

“Wouldn’t be part of the plan.”

“So…so…umm…why…did you call me?”

“Well, Lu…every hero needs a villain, you know. That’s where you come in at.” God smiled. “I need you to be a bit more evil.”

“You need a fall guy, you mean.”

“Think of it this way, Lu. How can they know good from evil if the evil doesn’t act very evil. You need to be more evil. That was my purpose in creating you, you know?”

That struck Lucifer by surprise. “I did not know that in fact and frankly I’m a bit offended. Besides, it seems that you have the ‘evil’ thing covered with as many people as you’ve killed…so far.”

“Collateral damage and people who deserved it for not obeying me, Lu.” God’s eyes were turning redder. “Are you gonna help me out or not?”

“I don’t like this. And you tarnishing my name is fucked up! This whole plan is fucked up! You’re making a guy solely to boost your own ego.”

“You got it wrong, you idiot! And that guy will lead them to ME, since you know so damn much!”

“Then why kill him? Why not leave him to rule in your name?”
“Because that’s not the fuckin’ plan, Lu!”

“You’re insane!”


“Look,” Lu stopped, “this is getting us nowhere. You need to stop killing your own creations. Maybe they’d love you more then.”

God walked up to Lu. A calmness was on his face, but the redness in his eyes was still there. “Fuck that.”

“Ok, I’m done here.”

“They’ll learn the hard why, damn it! I’m going to write a book to tell them exactly what they need to know so that when they piss me off…there is no misunderstanding.”

“And you need ME to be the evil one?”

“You know what, I’ve had enough of you! I’m god! You should be kissing my ass, Lu.”

“I’m done. Ok…I’m gone.” Lu turned to walk out.

“Be evil or I’ll kick your ass Lu! It’s going to take over a 1,000 years to write that book, so get on it!” God shouted at Lu’s back. “You better, Lu! I’m serious!” Lucifer left without another word, with god fuming the whole time.


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