I don’t know how it happened. One minute Eve and myself were very happy. Like, happy in a, “we never thought about anything at all” kinda way. It wasn’t like we had anything to think about, ya know? Nothing had happened before us and we were the only inhabitants on the planet, we soon found out, so it wasn’t like our minds were filled with stuff to contemplate. After God created my wife, Eve, we just wondered about. I was busy naming all the animals, which only now I see as being a very stupid idea. He could SEE every animal on Earth, I had to wait until the damn thing happened across my path. And with millions of animals, insects, and marine (I made that up myself) life, it would have taken me freaking forever…which I would have had if she hadn’t listened to that damn flying serpent.
I hadn’t even named it. All I know is it was a serpent that talked…and flew…because God was pissed about it and made it wonder on it’s stomach after that. It tells Eve about the one tree god put in the garden that he didn’t want us to touch. Now, I wouldn’t have touched it if it were not for Eve. Being the only female human on the planet, it was a bit hard to have any other choice and at the time, we were both just goofy and happy as sunshine. Which is an interesting thing, right? You know, before I ate that fruit, I had no idea what sex was. Like I said, we were kind of blank minded, but afterwards…we…whew!
Anyway, the serpent sort of told her about how god omitted a few details about that tree. I didn’t even think about why the tree was there in the first place, yet here it was, with beautiful fruit hanging from it with Eve holding one of the fruits in her hand suggesting I take a bite. She smiled, I smiled…and POW! Holy shit! I’m naked, she has tits and shit, my penis had grown large and hard, and I suddenly knew what to do with it. And we did! Many times, man!
It was during one of those times that god walked into the garden on a casual stroll and you haven’t seen odd until you’ve seen a god take on a form that allowed him to walk through a garden that he created and of which he could’ve seen every moment we made from…heaven. I remember the goofy feeling I had before eating the fruit and the awakening I felt after I ate from it. Now, here this guy comes and he is pissed. He questioned us, but already knew the answers we would give and the next thing I knew, “Think you smart now, get your shit and get out! The both of you!”
And like that we were out and on our own, no warning, no stern talking to. He kicked us out without ceremony. You would have thought that there would be more people around, but since he only had the idea of making two of us, there wasn’t. I turns to Eve, “This is all your fault. You know that right?”
“Me?! He told YOU about the tree. Nobody made you eat the fruit!” Her eyes were red from crying, but that fruit had apparently instilled in her the meaning of being pissed off. “The serpent thing didn’t say god would be so mad.”
“Looked like a snake to me. I had seen snakes before though, some of them had rattles, which is weird since I noticed that there were many, many different types of animals in the same area. But, in the Garden, none of them ate each other. Take the tigers for instance, makes you wonder why they had teeth perfect for ripping meat even in a place where they didn’t eat anything but fruit.” That fruit…mmm…I was already loving being intelligent. But Eve said… “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Nothing. What made you listen to a talking snake?”
Her eyes turned red-er. “It was YOUR job to name all the animals. How was I to know that THIS animal was any different?”
“Well, none of the other animals talked, woman! How’s that for a clue?”
She stopped and stared directly into my eyes. “Listen, MAN! None of the other animals were 18 feet tall like that giraffe thing, none of the other animals swung from the trees like those monkeys, and I did NOT see any flying rodents other than the bats! So, was I to know that a talking snake was any different? I’m only a few weeks old!”
“And another thing. I don’t get what your job was. Naming animals? Did you name ALL of them?”
“Only the ones I saw. I couldn’t…”
“What about the lake or the oceans?” She was making TOO much sense.
“Well, there wasn’t one in the Garden. Only small ponds.”
“Huh, so there are entire parts this earth outside of the Garden, with animals that have no names.” She shook her head. “Forget that,” She planted her hands on her hips, “I thought god had made the thing and that YOU had named it. That was YOUR job, remember? But you didn’t name this one, did you?” She walked off before I could answer.
Well, she had me there. I didn’t name it, because I didn’t know about it. Like I said, I had to wait for the animals to come into my line of sight and we hadn’t been there long before we were kicked out. We wondered for a few days until we decided that one place was as good as any to set up a place to live. And that itself took forever. I not only had to figure out what to build to shelter us, but how and with what! Years later, here we were…a family, popping out kids one after another…like a slew of them. Now here comes a hard topic…what are our kids to do?
God made me a woman…we made kids. Aaaannnddd those kids were the only other humans on the Earth. Sooo…our kids…had to make it with…you know…each other. You know…incest and what not. Ahem…yeah. It wasn’t my idea. He only made two of us, so…what else did he expect us to do?
Eve made things hell for me. My punishment she said, for getting her into this mess. Which, actually was more her fault that mine, but then again, I didn’t know there were flying, talking manipulative serpents in the Garden either. Sigh…there she goes…Sheesh!