DEATHMATCH: MAN VS. WO-MAN

“Wow! That last bout was a stunner!”

“Jim, that was the best match i’ve seen all my years as a ringside commentator. And I’ll expect there will be a rematch between White Man and Black Man.”

“Yes, Tony. Unless, Asian Man or Latino Man wants to get in on the action.”

“Well, now we turn our attention to our final bout of the evening. The title match and a battle of epic proportions.”

“Yes, the battle of the sexes has been raging forever, finally the 2 sides, each with their chosen fighter to represent their total characteristics, will come to the ring and battle it out in a match to the death. Man and Wo-Man are going to head to head, in a battle to the end.”

“That’s right, Tony. The Boss of Bosses, Shao Kawn, will decide the fates of Man or Wo-Man should the fighter be rendered helpless or in the event of a draw. And with announcer, Whit Winglestein stepping into the ring, this match is about to start. Take it away, Whit.”

“Llllaaaddddieesss and Geentlemen! Live from a secret location, we bring you our final battle of the night. A match to the very death that will decide who is more awesome, who holds the most power, who has the most sex, who masterbates the most often, why they cheat, how they get caught and why…and why the hell the toilet seat and towels you aren’t supposed to use are such a big deal. EVERYBODY! LET’S GET SOME ASS KICKING GOING!! (ha…see what I did there?) Making his way to the ring, no doubt because his competitor insisted, standing 6’1”, 210lbs wearing a surly expression and black shorts, Heeerrreees MAN!”

“Wow, the men cheering loud and proud for their champion Tony.”

“Yes, they are Jim, let’s see how the ladies respond.”

“And now…entering to the song, “I’m a Bitch”…standing an average 5’6″ and she wouldn’t tell us her weight…I give you WOOOOOO-MAAANNNN!!!”

“Listen to that Jim! The women are going wild!”

“I can hear it! Haha..this is gonna be good. Look at the looks they are giving each other. Man belched loud right at Wo-Man. Bi-sexual referee, Sheldon Percy, is bringing the fighters to the center of the right.”

“Alright, there are no rules except no bitching from either of you. Fight!”

“Alright, Jim…the fighters touch hands and go! Oh, Wo-Man is the first to strike with a generic, blanketed attack on male masculinity. Man returns with a traditional role of women argument!”

“Now they exchange blows, Man, being stronger, delivers powerful insults to Wo-Man’s weaker body, but Wo-Man is returning with uppercuts to the stomach and lazy ass, broke Babydaddy Retorts.”

“Oh, I can see the insults to Man’s ego are taking an effect on him, he’s getting angry and launching Slut Elbows with slut slurs at Wo-man’s head. She’s taking a beating. She need’s to get out of that corner, Jim! Oh, now it’s on, Wo-Man ducks that elbow,  and delivers Woman’s Suffrage Kick to the jaw and a quick combo Women are Better Liars jabs and Cheating Accusation Power Punches.”

“Yeah, but Man, as usual is ducking and dodging the issue. BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH…Wo-Man get’s him with her signature Bringing Up Old Shit Roundhouse. Man is a bit wobbly. Wo-Man is getting on the top turnbuckle…she jumps and lands an Unsubmissive Knee to the forehead. Man goes down.”

“Wo-man makes the cover…1…2…no. Man jerks up and quickly brings  knee of his own to Wo-Man’s ribs.  A flurry of slaps backs Wo-Man up to the rope, Man pulls back for a Men-Need-Sex-More Back hand, but Wo-Man ducks again. She’s hurling punches to the face. Man counters with headbutt…runs to the rope…ahh…a nasty Fuck the Toilet Seat Clothesline. Wo-Man is down, but not out. Ohhh! Another jab and Women Are More Emotional Bodyslam on Man!”

“It’s not over, Jim. Man rolls to avoid a Guilt Ridden Stomp and catches Wo-Man’s foot and takes her down. He’s going for a Dick Submission Lock…but LOOK AT THAT! Wo-Man activates her PMS Bitch Defense…frying Man’s skin and libido! He let’s go.”

“Now that the gloves are off, Man throws his Blast of Male Testosterone, catching W0-Man right between the breasts. And that may be it for Wo-Man. Man swaggers over and lays a lazy cover over her. 1…2…3…NO! Wo-Man got an arm up! Summoning all the opinions of men to her she shoots a Ego Shriveling Ray. Man is dazed. Wo-Man lands another blast! And another! Ohh! Ohh! Pussy Whipper! Man is down! IS IT OVER? IS THIS IT?”

“FINISH THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!”

“You heard him, Tony! The Blue Ball Smasher! MAN IS DONE! IT’S OVER! WO-MAN WINS!”

“Ohhh, Jim. Listen to the ladies go wild cheering their heroine who stands worn out, but smiling. She represented all of them  and didn’t fail.”

“No she didn’t. Each fighter had the weight of sexual stereotypes on their side and fought bravely to maintain them or destroy them, depending on whose side you’re on. Look at the roses raining down.”

“Well, she deserves it. And my wife is going to be extra happy to night!”

“I hear ya.”

“Whit is going to let the champion speak.”

“I came to the ring to represent ALL of you! ALL OF YOU! I speak for ALL of you! Everything I say about men is what we ALL say about them! So, we are all one! Here, Whit, thank you…here’s a kiss.”

“W-w-well, I’m sure Man would’ve said the exact same thing…without the kiss…though. He might have included an alpha-male, over doing it, I’m-not-gay and i’ll prove it by being more homophobic than the next guy speech. I’d have shanked him for that. Hehheh…I’m joking…but seriously…back to you Jim and Tony.”

“Well, Tony…that was amazing.”

“I’ll say, Jim.”

“And with Man’s mangled, ball-less corpse being trampled on as the ring feels up, we conclude this broadcast and bring you to the program you would have been watching if we hadn’t pirated the signal. For Tony Bolonga, I’m Jim Hoss, thanks for watching and good night.”

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