Lu’s Version of the Story

Ok, so I was minding my own business up in Heaven. There was not shit else to do and I had grown bored with…not doing shit.  Apparently, though he did not show it, God was bored, as well. I always thought that he did not look nearly as confident as he let on, but what do I know. He created me and every other angel…for the hell of it seems…but I guess that you can do those things as a god.

One day, he comes to me and says, “I have an idea…I’m going to create…something. A planet…a world and fill it with people and other stuff.”

I nodded. “I see…but why?”

“To worship me.” There was a gleam in his eye that I did not like.

“Ok…umm…sounds like fun.”

I simply agreed with him…I figured that he needed something to get himself out of whatever funk he was in. He had been pretty down lately and with nothing but immortals that will only agree or say yes surrounding him; I think he needed something to take his mind off the mundane chore of being a god with nothing to do. And…besides…he had all the power, so he could do shit like that. “How can I help, Boss?”

“I’ll let you know. I may need some help with some things.”

So, since there was nothing else to do, I went and talked with Gabriel. We had our usual talks about time…like…what is it. I mean, when you are ageless and there is no night or day, you do not have an idea of time, so we just mused about it. You know, shooting the breeze. I tell him about God’s plan. Gabriel liked the idea. God comes and gets me. He had a happy look on his face.

“I have it…I figured it out. I’m going to create people…call ’em humans…a few of them at first in a…a…garden…on this world. With animals and plants…all kinds of things. I had Phillip help me design them.”

Phillip was a minor angel no one ever talked to…he was…odd…to say the least.

So, now that God was in a much better mood, he and I went to the task of world building. He did not tell me how easy it would be for HIM. However, I let him do all the work…ya know…I’m not all-powerful and shit. I mean, he simply said, “Let there be light” and *BAM* there it was. Then he split the light and dark and called it morning and night or whatever. He then went on to create water, land, and the plants. Smooth…very smooth. Now, that he had invented days and night, we had time…so after what HE said was the 4th day, he did something odd. He said, and I know he said this because he later had someone write it in a book, although why he did not write it down THEN…HIMSELF beats me. But he said: “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.”

He then made the Sun for light and warmth during the day and what he called the Moon, which got its light from the Sun, to light the night.

“Umm…where did you get the light from on the first day?” A simple question…but it totally pissed him off. So, rather than bother with it, I left. I mean, it was a valid question…how did he have light on the first day if he JUST now created the mechanism to give the world light? Smh. I went and minded my own business for the next few days. On what he called the 7th day, he was tired and rested.

I didn’t come back until he had set everything up, land, plants, and water. He and Phillip had designed the animals…and Phillip, that guy has some strange ideas. Some of the animals were just…I mean…what is a platypus…a duck and rat combined or whatever…elephant seals, and other odd stuff. And one human…a guy God called Adam. He had this Adam naming the animals. Why? Beats me, I guess he didn’t have time to do it himself. From what I could tell, that was Adam’s whole purpose…sit there in the garden naming animals. This was GOD’s idea, you understand. For you see…he had placed different animals and plants all over the world and since water was a totally new thing to Adam, I cannot see how he would have named anything he had not seen. In addition, since he never left the garden, it made no sense how he would name all the animals. I brought this up with God.

“Ok, I understand that he needs something to do, but how is he going to name the creatures you placed deep in the oceans?”

“Oh…I’ll just tell him.” He said smugly.

“Well, you could’ve told him the other millions of names, too. Couldn’t you?”

“Yeah, I could have.”

“Is anyone going to write this down and I thought you were making a world of people. So far I only see one.”

God smiled at me and said nothing. I figured that was my queue to leave…until I heard him say. “I’m god, bitch!”

Whoa! I went about my day. I did visit this Earth he made and thought he’d done a good job. Although, since my mood was tainted with being thoroughly pissed at him, I suppose I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have. At night, you could see thousands of lights in the sky. Stars, he said…put there just to fuck with his own creations, I imagine. I shook my head at the humor.

Returning to Heaven, I found him busy brainstorming again. He called me over as if nothing had happened earlier. It had occurred to him that Adam needed someone to help him, so he does this…get this now…makes him lay down. He puts him to sleep. I ask, “You gonna make the 2nd person the way you made the first? You know that sand thing you did.

“Nope…Gonna pull out a rib.”


And that’s exactly what he did. He pulled a rib out of the guy and made another human out of it…a woman, he called it. He named her Eve. Now…this is where things get tricky. God, being unhinged as it is, then makes a tree…he had plenty of trees in this one Garden (why he only made one, I don’t know), but he made a tree, which he infused the fruit on it with “knowledge”…saying that this was information that they really should not have…and placed it right in the damn Garden! “This is very dangerous, Lu. I forbade them to touch it. If they eat from this tree…I shudder to think what will happen.”

“So, why’d you make it?”

“Because, I can. And I wouldn’t be a real ruler if I didn’t give them a chance to disobey me. I told them not to, but this way they have a choice in the whole thing.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry Lu, I have a plan. I ALWAYS have a plan.”

“Huh? But…”

“No time, Lu. Let me get back to my work.”

I had held my tongue for a minute, but felt the need to speak up here. “That doesn’t make sense. Why did you just NOT make the tree? Or put the tree away from the Garden?”

“You missed what I just said.”

“I heard you, but it seems…stupid.”

God looked at me with a stern eye. “I am your Lord and Master, best watch how you talk to me.” That gleam was back in his eyes.

What? “I’m just trying to help here and why didn’t you make more than 2 humans, but you made plenty of animals?”

“This is why I am a God and you are not…because I fucking can! Alright! Is that good enough for you?!” I walked off after that and it was during this time that apparently a serpent sneaked in and told Eve about the fruit on the forbidden to eat from, inappropriately placed tree, who told Adam. They ate from it…and God totally went ape shit over it. I mean, he was livid, and exiled them from the Garden just like he said, the only Garden. Automatically, I’m the prime suspect.

“You did it, didn’t you? I know…because I know everything!”

“I didn’t do it. I was here, remember? And this was YOUR plan!”

“No, I know it was you. You ruined everything. I had to sentence a serpent to wander on its stomach because of you.”

“How was it getting around before that?”

“That’s not the point. The serpent told Eve what I told YOU. That’s how I know it was you!”

“Wait, you made an animal that talks? In what language? Do the other animals talk?”

“Stop getting off the subject!” He was pissed and I got more pissed because I was innocent.

“First off, I thought that was in your whole damn plan! You are the one who put the fucking tree in the Garden in the first place!”

“I told you why I did it! Free choice, asshole!”

“It’s not a choice if they get punished for making the choice that you didn’t want them to make! What are you going to do now?!”

He huffed. “Them and every human born will suffer for disobeying me. I mean…boy…are they gonna suffer.”

“That’s pretty harsh, especially for the ones born later who didn’t do anything. And since you made only 2, their offspring will have to reproduce with each other! What kind of shit is that?”

“What’s wrong with that? Huh? You know what? I don’t have to explain shit to you…I’m God, remember?! I am the Highest, the Most High! The Most-est, motherfucker!”

“For someone with so much power, you sure love patting yourself on the back. I hope those creatures you made don’t have the any of your problems. You need help.”

“Help? I’m God!”

“I heard you the last 5,000 times you said it. Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?”

“That’s it…GET OUT!”

He meant it. God never had the balls to admit when HE was the one wrong, but he sure could point out what YOU did. I just had to be the one that pushed him to edge for calling him on it. And that’s how it was. I left, a few angels agreed with me and left, too. This REALLY pissed him off. *Sigh* what can you do. You know…what really hurts is that he had his humans write this shit down thousands of years later and had it ALL looking like it was MY fault. Coldblooded…that’s what you get for questioning God.


2 thoughts on “Lu’s Version of the Story

  1. ““To worship me.” There was a gleam in his eye that I did not like.” ROTFLMAO!

    “Phillip was a minor angel no one ever talked to…he was…odd…to say the least.” An angel named Phillip? LOVE! I want to write a story, now, and name an angel “Phillip.” It doesn’t even matter what the story is about, just so long as there’s and anl named Phillip 🙂

    ‘He said, and I know he said this because he later had someone write it in a book, although why he did not write it down THEN…HIMSELF beats me.’ Nice dig on the bible!

    “I mean…what is a platypus…a duck and rat combined” HAHA!

    ” “I’m god, bitch!”” I’m going to the Zazzle website and having that put on a t-shirt. And a mug. And some pencils.

    Hee–this was so funny and cool. LOVED it. It needs a sequel, though. Something . . . Armageddon-y. . . .

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